Illustration of a woman wearing a long-sleeve shirt that states, "Warning: I say inappropriate things."

I didn’t mean it that way!

Why is it that what I say so often sounds sexually charged and, daresay, downright naughty?


It was embarrassing!

Here I was, talking on the phone to a courteous HVAC technician. We had only met once before, when he took a look at our heating system and officially declared it DOA. He called to let me know he got the necessary replacement parts and was on his way to our home to, hopefully, fix it.

Overjoyed to finally have the hope of some heat, I responded, “Great! I will see you when you come.”

When you come?! What a terrible choice of words!

Most people would properly form the words, “Ok, I’ll see you when you arrive.” But no! I had to use the word “come” when talking to a professional who was driving to my house to service the heating system, not me.

With my lack of luck, he probably thought I was a horny single lady or a lonely housewife. He was probably worried he would have to firmly and gently let me down because of my obvious sexual fantasies for an HVAC repairman. (There must be a video of that on Pornhub somewhere where the guy talks about “heating her up.”)

I may need to order myself a t-shirt that says, “Warning: I say inappropriate things,” and wear it all the time.

That would explain why, when he arrived, he didn’t look me in the eyes once, and he quickly left as soon as the system appeared to be blowing warm air.

Even when I asked, “Is everything fixed?”

He responded with a quick nod and a flat “uh-huh,” while staring at the floor or wall behind my head. Then, he grabbed his tools and ladder, rushing out the front door. After I thanked him and closed the door, I could still hear him fumbling with everything, trying to pick it all up and carry it to his van in one trip.

Poor guy.

But he isn’t the only one on the receiving end of one of my naughty slips of the tongue.

It has happened to me at the most inopportune times, with everyone from Handsome’s parents to coworkers, repair people to customer service. All the people I should NEVER say things like this to. Never, ever, ever!

And yet, I do.

Please understand it is most unwittingly done. It is not like I plan any of it. I say something and then afterward realize it was dirty and wrong. I’m left pleading with myself, “Why? Why?!”

I may need to order myself a t-shirt that says, “Warning: I say inappropriate things,” and wear it all the time.

Like when I was with a group of people, and one guy bought a Wetzel Dog, a pretzel wrapped around an all-beef hot dog. Yep, a hot dog. (Don’t get ahead of me.)

When he was about to eat it, he tipped it too far, and the meat portion fell onto the floor. He lamented its loss, and I responded, “Just go back and tell them you want a new wiener.”

Fortunately for me, he laughed.

But my concern is the day when a comment gets me in trouble with HR. Oh, boy.

Inappropriate work conduct is no joke these days.

Men appear to bear the brunt of the accusations (and, in many cases, rightly so). But I would be mortified if one of my comments landed me in front of the HR director. Or worse, the CEO.

How would I explain it?

“Honey, you know why we are here today.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“You realize that telling Bob you liked his package is completely inappropriate.”

“I meant his actual package. His other package! The box on his desk with all the stickers on it!!” I explain in a blind panic.

Somehow I don’t think she’ll believe me.

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Honey Madison